Sunday, April 29, 2012

lets face it, i used to be jonah

i have a jonah trait, and frankly, i hate it.
the only difference between me and jonah, is that i run when i feel i've disappointed, annoyed, or caused anger in someone. {not when i'm told to do something}
sometimes i mess up so badly i feel he's so disappointed in me and how could he possibly look at me again?
so i run.
away, separate myself as much as possible until it starts to kill me.
i could feel myself sinking farther and farther down into pointlessness. slowly my conscience started to thicken. there was a two faced monster inside of me. one face said he would help me. the other said he would never look at me again. {guess which one won?}

i'm was so angry at myself, i had no patience left, so i began to imagine that he didn't either. and thats where i truly start to go wrong. thinking he wasn't capable of doing something bigger than me.
i kept it hidden well. unfortunately, i'm good at hiding things. when i want to.
don't get me wrong, i didn't live a life jammed full of secrets, no i pretty much only had one.
i'm not the secretive type. but at the same time. there was that one i couldn't let go of.
so the point of madness is thinking that god couldn't turn his face to me one more time. thinking that i had reached my limit of forgiveness, thinking he must be so disappointed now that how could he possibly give me a 57,394th chance??
so how could i possibly ask again? because i knew i would just mess up again, so why? its like i kept telling myself "next time i mess up, maybe that will be my last and then.."

but thats just a way of thinking, and that had to go.
god is way bigger than that. he's way bigger than what my imagination can handle.
my view of god was pretty unbalanced and screwed. which leaked into my moral views.
i couldn't understand his huge love for me. i'm such a sinner.
but its ok not to understand it. i had to get over it. i had to let it go and accept that i couldn't understand his love because its so much bigger than anything i could think up on my own. and thats why its so awesome and worth accepting!
the fact that i couldn't understand his love really messed up a few relationships in my life.
and its been a battle getting through them. but once i finally accepted the fact that he really did love me so much, that he sacrificed his son for  me. 
once that was made real to me. i knew.

i know its just fine. everything is gonna be dandy. its that simple. its a child like faith.
i mean, why would we worship a god who loves like we love? our love is so pathetic and weak compared to his. human love is inconsistent and moody. it pales in comparison.

so because this was my view of him. it translated itself into my life. whenever i felt that i had disappointed someone, let them down, annoyed them ect-
i just wanted to just get away.
but i'm done running away.

i'm glad my views have changed. i'm glad i've embraced such a simple faith that gives me courage to face every day.
love can endure all things. love is patient, love is kind.  
his love.
i wanna be just like my daddy.
this is all incredibly personal to me, i almost don't want to post it. i've never shared this with anyone before.
but whats the point of having a light if i'm not gonna let it shine?


  1. Thanks for posting this. I really needed this. I've gone through this does-God-actually-care phase for a while, so it's nice to know I'm not the only one :)

  2. It must have taken amazing courage to post this. I'll pray for you!

  3. these comments encouraged me! thanks <3