Tuesday, December 31, 2013

reflection//bring it on

is it honestly already time for another end of the year post?
is it really already time to sigh and remark "geez. time goes so fast!"

yup. it's already that time.

when i reflect back on this year, i get a giant mix of emotions, thoughts, memories, colliding together into a chaotic mess of life.
there was adventure like i've never had before.
devastation like i never want to have again.
brokeness that's still healing.
happy times that bring smiles to my face and so much more.

this has been one of the most challenging and wonderful years of my life. 

i've lost 3 people to broken friendships in my life that i never imagined i would lose. broken friendships are the worst, and really, it never gets easier. it still makes me cringe just thinking about it. God certainly has healing yet to do in me. 

at the same time i've made so many new friends this year and i've learned soo much about making/keeping friends and what it means to be a real friend in return..
over the course of this year i met around 150 new people. i don't know if that's a lot or not..but it sure seems like a lot to me. 
at least 10-15 of those people i consider friends. that's a lot for a kid who's not very sociable and hates introducing herself and sucks as starting new friendships. 
but i'm coming out. heck, i even say things to strangers in walmart these days. i like it when i can make a stranger smile just by being friendly.

at the beginning of every year i would always tell someone the things i didn't want to happen. i'd list off all the awful things that happened the last few years and say i didn't want those things happening again. once was enough.
but life happens, and brings on nasty and good things. you can't have one without the other. and all i know is that God is faithful through it all, pulling me closer to Him through each trial.
this year has been really good for me. i can only hope that next year will bring on it's own unique bout of challenges and experiences to stretch me and grow me the way this year has.

"therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grave in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.
and not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance;
and perseverance, character; and character, hope.
now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us."
ROMANS 5:1-5

like a lot of people, i say i haven't ever been good with new years resolutions. i don't think i even made any last year.
but this time. i have one, and it's to love God more.
just that.

but i think it'll keep me pretty busy.


Saturday, December 28, 2013

that's what he told me. 
"you have to grab my hand hard or i can't find you because i can't see where your hand is, so just. grab my hand harder this time, k?"

so i tired to take his hand more firm, i tried to be where i was supposed to be so he wouldn't have to search.

but i liked it a whole lot more when he just went after and found me anyway, knowing i wasn't so sure, all i needed was some help, all i needed was a firm grasp. all i need was some reassurance that he was leading.

the more i live, the more i see how intense life is. life is lived intensely. to make it you have to be aggressive, you have to dive in head first. you have to be brave.
you can't be afraid of anything, not of messing up or looking like a fool.
you just have to do it, be ok with messing up. be ok with looking like an idiot. everyone looks like an idiot.

i'm not very good at this aggressive thing.
i'm not very good at this life thing.

aggressiveness terrifies me. it inspires me, it intrigues me.

so i'm tasting little bits, here and there. trying to get used to it, learning to like it.

that moment, late at night, after a crazy night of what should have been fun but you were to shy and backwards to let lose. that moment when you're on the verge of tears just because you're tired, and you realize. i don't have to do this.

i love that moment. i don't have to bear this load, i don't have to worry. all i have to do is keep my mind focused on Him, work hard, be honest, be brave.

He'll take care of everything.

Friday, December 27, 2013

yesterday i took my drivers test and passed, today i went and got my license.
and then mum dropped me off at work, and after my shift was over, i drove myself home for the first time ever.


i know.. i know...i'm 19 and *just* getting my license?

ya see i was never one of those kids who was breaking their necks to do *anything* grown up.
my parent's had to practically force me to get my permit a few months ago and start driving. i just didn't want to! but, now that i'm here.
i'm so darn glad. i like driving, i really do. and i'm so grateful that i have parent's who know how to push me in the right directions. they know i'm the sort of person who needs pushed. and they know i procrastinate like no ones business.
so yeah. 
it's great having people in your life who help you in the areas you need it most.

i'm really glad that's over with!



Sunday, December 22, 2013

times like these

the past few weeks have been tough. i'm not gonna lie.
i've been stressed and tried and things have gone sour plenty of times.
but you know what? that's ok with me.

it's given me more chances to train myself to have a good attitude, work hard, speak kindly, not explode, and just go with the flow.

i'm not a dramatic person by nature, i'm very practical, no nonsense..not really the freak-out kinda person. 
but the more life tries me, the more i learn about myself. and truth is, i freak out way more than i wish i did. which of course is a lot less than lots of other people..but still.

i feel like right now is the time where it matters.
it matters how i act because i'm creating habits. i know that through life we're always creating habits. and that every time in life matters.
but right now, when i'm young, i feel like i'm more moldable. so i should pay more attention to how i act, or more importantly. react. 
 does that make sense?

i've had plenty of great opportunities to freak out and spazz this last week.
but i don't want to. i hate how it makes me feel and how it makes others feel.

so just take a deep breath, let it go.
care, but don't care to much. learn when it's ok to not care.
cos it's not always ok, but not every little thing is worth caring so much about.
you get me?

so yeah. life is great, i love where i'm at, i love what i'm doing. God is so faithful and patient with me as i'm growing. it's good to know He's got it under control.
it especially makes "letting go" way easier. 

merry Christmas, you guys and God bless!


Thursday, December 19, 2013

something brilliant

you know when you get done reading a book and it leaves you really excited and feeling just great and you just can't stop thinking about it?

i just read a book like that, it's called When You Reach Me by Rebecca Stead. it's one of those books that had me hooked from the first sentence. and it just seemed to get better and better. i adored her writing style, she uses a lot of short sentences. of which i'm a hard core fan of.
the plot builds slowly but interestingly, making you want to not put the book down.
this book was perfect. everything about it was stunning and brilliant. one of those rare jems that didn't lack a thing.
i started it yesterday afternoon and finished it this evening after i got off of work. it wasn't a difficult read, actually i think it may be a kids book, but i'm really not sure. i feel like anyone under the age of 12 wouldn't truly be able to appreciate the beauty of this book. at least i know i wouldn't have been able to at that age. it's a different sort of book, definitely a breath of fresh air. after reading it i feel kinda stunned, i want to start in on another book but i can't get When You Reach Me out of my head so it's kinda making all the other books taste bad even though i know they're all probably fantastic. speaking of the books i bought at the library sale, of course.
i'm not going to hint about what the book is actually about. because i went into it blind, and i feel like that made my experience all the more delightful. so if any of you decide to read this book, i hope you can go into it clueless like me. and i hope you love it a lot.

When You Reach Me has certainly left an impression on me. i'm definitely having a unique hangover from that book. 


Wednesday, December 18, 2013

books and a hat

yesterday our library started this giant book sale, 25cents each! me and brother went before i had to work and spent about 40min browsing at least 500 books.

i ended up walking out with 20 books. i feel like it was christmas yesterday, because seriously i'm so darn excited/happy with these books! this morning i took off all those nasty library book jackets and they're all so much prettier now.
but i'm to lazy to take *another* picture of them. so yeah.

i'm gonna be busy with these for awhile, because yes, i plan on reading ALL of them.

then after work later that same day me and mom were driving around town, when i happened to take us by an antique shop i'd been wanting to stop by for weeks now. it really was quite by accident, because i had zero clue where i had taken us, and then i saw the shop and just had to stop.

i found this vintage, grey wool hat for $2! i did a major happy dance right there in the store. it's exactly what i've been searching for.

forget malls, take me to library book sales and antique shops!


Sunday, December 15, 2013

the semester is over.
*giant grin*
i'm so happy.

so now i have free time! here are my goals for the week:

not get sick
paint something
ride ellie
read more
ride ellie again
pray more
sleep in

and not.


Tuesday, December 10, 2013

i don't really know what it is about those two words.
but i love them.


Monday, December 9, 2013

a good day

i've been really happy today and i'm really enjoying this mood. i'm generally a very happy person by nature, so every time i'm ever down it's like...really weird and uncomfortable. so yeah. glad i'm not there anymore.

today i rode my Ellie, we herded cattle for fun and then walked my name in the snow. she did so great and i'm really wishing i had more time to ride her at least 3 or 4 times a week, she's so smart and learns so quickly.

today i wrapped presents and took pictures and listened to edgary meyer. it was lovely. then i went to work and everyone was kinda jolly there so we had fun. i love it when i get to have fun at work.

today was a good day. ^_^


Sunday, December 8, 2013

my last post was indeed depressing. i wrote it in a blur of emotion and thoughts that were spinning a thousand miles an hour.
i just wanted to say that i am happy, and i am grateful for the friends i have. i also feel like i needed to explain my situation.

i live in a town that is in America's top 5 pot spots. everyone around here drinks, cusses, smokes, chewes, is a skank and all around lost as a goose. rednecks, hicks, racists. we got them here.

there are a few homeschoolers in the area. but let's face it.
homeschoolers have a tendancy to be really weird. thankfully, there's a bunch of good ones out there i know, and we've been blessed to know a few of them. sadly, most have moved out of the area.
when i was younger i had a few really close, good christian friends in the area, but we all grew up and they moved away to college. it sucks.

so..i may not have many Christian peers who live near me right now, but God *is* teaching me that i have who i need and that He will bring the right people in to my life when it's right. i just need to be patient. i have my family and church family, i have friends who live a long way away, and although it gets hard. very hard, i'm really ok. lonely at times, desperately so, yes. but this is where God has me and i'm good with it. i'll keep praying and hoping for friends, i won't give up on that.

anywho. i'm tired and tomorrow i'm gonna ride my Ellie may horse out in the snow cos i've never ridden in the snow before. it should be fun. ^_^


(warning: do not read if spirits are high)

i hate long distance relationships. i hate getting attached to someone you never spend real time with.

but i am lonely and so i reach out to people who aren't near and it's painful for a lot of reasons.
i used to be ashamed of the fact that i've spent very little time with people my own age. i honestly don't even know how to act around Christians my age. now that i've been working somewhere for 2 months, i know how to act around people who cuss and talk about sex constantly. but how to act around godly young ones? it's a weird and rare experience when it does happen. and wonderful. i certainly know how to act around adults, i have so many great adults friends and i am so thankful for them. sometimes i feel guilty when i say i have no friends. because i'll always have that group of adults friends. i've always had adults friends. but it's very different, having adult friends vs. peers.

i keep waiting to find a real friend, someone who i see regularly. someone i can touch, smell, hear their laugh. someone real.
i keep waiting.

and waiting. and it gets really hard. it's really hard when you meet someone your age and you think, "maybe this one!".
and then you find out they don't really need you and aren't really interested in having any more friends, because like everyone else, they've got plenty of "good christian friends". i don't mean to sound like i'm throwing myself a pity party.
it's just how it is, and how it's been for a long time.
i actually thought i'd get used to it.


wow. i should go take a nap. see, this is me thinking. fantastic, huh?


Saturday, December 7, 2013

i have a vision for this new blog and i wanted to share a bit about it.

first of all, in case any of you were wondering when i plan to have it ready to go, it'll probably be next year or sometime very close to next year.

i want this blog to be refreshing for me and you. i want to post more of my art work, more of my creative writing, more 'deep thoughts' posts.
basically, i want there to be more inspiring going on, more creating and more being myself. 

i've never been a big fan of using other people's photography (even if it's typography) or other people's art work for my blog.
so this time around, everything i post picture-wise will be made my yours truly. if on the rare occasions when i do post someone elses art work i will give proper credit and i won't be posting it because i'm to lazy to do something of my own.

well there you have it, i've been thinking a lot lately about this new blog and i'm
pretty darn excited and i hope you are too.

So today we have 11" of snow, with some drifts reaching 2'.
it's time to go picture taking.


Thursday, December 5, 2013

we're iced/sleeted/snowed in here in good ole' bipolar mo. just a few days ago i was out and about in just a t-shirt. crazy beans.

but being iced in means free time.

time to draw, time to read, and design and eat cookies. time to hang out with family and get out the tree.
ahh...i missed this.


unfortunately this also means missing work and the prepping for finals with teachers tomorrow and having the worlds worst internet in the galaxy. blah.
oh well, i'll focus on the pros. ;)

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

i put up a new picture by my desk. every few weeks or so i go searching through my giant stacks of national geographics for a new photograph. the last one was of a little girl and her mum standing on a cement bank by the sea somewhere in southern america.
i don't really know why i chose this photograph, i just liked it, so i put it up and have been staring at it for about 3 months now.
so i needed a change.
this time i chose a photo from the early 70's. it's a big lawn at golden hour and there are people spread out on the lawn, laying on blankets, sitting reading books and chatting with their friends. there's also a lot of people in the background walking around. i guess it might be from woodstock, honestly i didn't even read about it before i cut it out. they don't actually look like woodstock hippies anyway, excpet for the two guys with big beards, top hats and open shirts.
i like those guys.

i also sketched the above picture tonight, i like to keep my newest sketches open under the picture by my desk so i can see it every time i work at my desk. i like seeing my own work because it makes me happy and inspires me to make something else. i know every time i make something new i'll become more me, and that makes me happy.

the pictures are a good change.

and this kind of brings me to the point of this post.
i'm leaving this spot here and moving to a new place. this is a sudden decision, i just made up my mind about 15minutes ago. and i think it's a good decision and i think it will be a good change.

i've been here for 3 years maybe? and i've gone through at least 3 different blog titles. and now i just need a fresh place to start, new title, new pictures, hopefully new topics. more thinking and writing. more creating and being myself. i won't be deleting this blog, but i will be deleting all my other blogs and using a new link, which i will post later...once i actually get said new blog set up. ;)

 i'm excited about this change.


Monday, December 2, 2013


the sunrise outside my window on friday morning.

         i've just had one of the craziest, best weekends ever! i went black friday shopping and found some epic christmas present bargains, plus a few things for myself. you know, the fun stuff like new coats and socks. ;) then on that same day i went to a Joshua Bell concert with some favourite people from Springfield. it was *amazing* and i still can't believe i saw Joshua Bell perform with the STL Orchestra. eeeep! crazy awesome time that! i also got to stand like 3 feet away from Bell at the meet and greet. that was pretty surreal, standing next to one of the worlds most talented and genius people of ever.
just wow.
it was a late night, i think we got home around 2pm, then the next day i worked in the morning and came home and had a fun night of hanging out with some other favourite people who were in town for the weekend. then on sunday my whole family was over and we celebrated thanksgiving and had a jolly time of it. i really love the times i get to spend with all of them, it was so relaxed and fun. i miss them as they're constantly touring and busy with their music.
i wouldn't mind joining them again.
that sunday night we stayed up late playing games and watching movies and laughing. after everyone went to sleep i had to stay up finishing my last essay of the semester. so now back to real life. i'm really excited about Christmas time coming up soon, i'm already planning a party and really hoping everyone can make it.

even though i may not have friends my age around here (they've all moved away or live in Springfield) i'm still blessed with an amazing family and an awesome church family. it's hard and lonely at times, but God is faithful and i'm way undeserving of everything i have and everyone in my life.


i'm thinking again.