Monday, April 30, 2012

not so lazy monday

ah, my cello is so purty! 
i love all these photos i strung up yesterday.
 today hasn't exactly been lazy like most mondays are around here, it started out me sleeping in till 10. which was fantastic.
then somehow i ended up walking through knee high grass in chase of our horse in my pajamas.
she had gotten out and was trying to socialize with the neighbors horses.
lots of lunging at one another and trying to bite each other to see who's boss.
it was kinda scary. but since ellie may is a good girl, she came home with me.
half way it started raining, and we got drenched.
it was a nice adventure.
then me and the family had lunch at subway.
then i quilted for 3 or so hours.
its my therapy.
then i went to a friends grad. get together/party-ish thing.
now we have company and are watching 'we bought a zoo', again.
because its that awesome.
xox nonii

Sunday, April 29, 2012

its been stressful, i have a secret, and i'm laughing at everything.

like everything in life, i start out shy

a 'lil cheezy, but an improvement, no? 

i always forget to look in the right place -_-

i really didn't know it was taking a picture..

i knew it was here though.. :D

being. myself.. "you better handle it!"

genuine laugh. mom was calling me a moron, funny, right??

this is how the hat is worn whilst watching scary movies {kidding}

its the EARS that matter.

i may not appear tired. but i really am. there's nothing quite like drama to get one tired.
so, at one point i accidentally took a vid of myself.
it was quite hilarious and dorky, but apparently i'm to prideful to post it.
whatever. it was so bad i cried while watching it {from laughter of course}
lets just say i'm VERY tired right now.
now i'm going...

lets face it, i used to be jonah

i have a jonah trait, and frankly, i hate it.
the only difference between me and jonah, is that i run when i feel i've disappointed, annoyed, or caused anger in someone. {not when i'm told to do something}
sometimes i mess up so badly i feel he's so disappointed in me and how could he possibly look at me again?
so i run.
away, separate myself as much as possible until it starts to kill me.
i could feel myself sinking farther and farther down into pointlessness. slowly my conscience started to thicken. there was a two faced monster inside of me. one face said he would help me. the other said he would never look at me again. {guess which one won?}

i'm was so angry at myself, i had no patience left, so i began to imagine that he didn't either. and thats where i truly start to go wrong. thinking he wasn't capable of doing something bigger than me.
i kept it hidden well. unfortunately, i'm good at hiding things. when i want to.
don't get me wrong, i didn't live a life jammed full of secrets, no i pretty much only had one.
i'm not the secretive type. but at the same time. there was that one i couldn't let go of.
so the point of madness is thinking that god couldn't turn his face to me one more time. thinking that i had reached my limit of forgiveness, thinking he must be so disappointed now that how could he possibly give me a 57,394th chance??
so how could i possibly ask again? because i knew i would just mess up again, so why? its like i kept telling myself "next time i mess up, maybe that will be my last and then.."

but thats just a way of thinking, and that had to go.
god is way bigger than that. he's way bigger than what my imagination can handle.
my view of god was pretty unbalanced and screwed. which leaked into my moral views.
i couldn't understand his huge love for me. i'm such a sinner.
but its ok not to understand it. i had to get over it. i had to let it go and accept that i couldn't understand his love because its so much bigger than anything i could think up on my own. and thats why its so awesome and worth accepting!
the fact that i couldn't understand his love really messed up a few relationships in my life.
and its been a battle getting through them. but once i finally accepted the fact that he really did love me so much, that he sacrificed his son for  me. 
once that was made real to me. i knew.

i know its just fine. everything is gonna be dandy. its that simple. its a child like faith.
i mean, why would we worship a god who loves like we love? our love is so pathetic and weak compared to his. human love is inconsistent and moody. it pales in comparison.

so because this was my view of him. it translated itself into my life. whenever i felt that i had disappointed someone, let them down, annoyed them ect-
i just wanted to just get away.
but i'm done running away.

i'm glad my views have changed. i'm glad i've embraced such a simple faith that gives me courage to face every day.
love can endure all things. love is patient, love is kind.  
his love.
i wanna be just like my daddy.
this is all incredibly personal to me, i almost don't want to post it. i've never shared this with anyone before.
but whats the point of having a light if i'm not gonna let it shine?

Saturday, April 28, 2012

i have a confession to make

for the past 12 hours or so i've been addicted to Jonsi, a guy from Iceland who often sings in Icelandic. his music is huge, powerful, odd and mysterious. i'm pretty infatuated.
not to mention gorgeous artwork
along side him i'm listening to good ole' Imogen Heap, i can't remember when i first started listening to her, but it was a long time ago. she's sort of a Florence and the Machine, except i like her better. then there is Sigur Ros, he's pretty fantastic too. but my favorite is still Jonsi, i can't explain to you how wonderful his music is, it makes you feel so fresh and great. the fact that he tends to sing in Icelandic is even cooler. check him out! he did the music for We Bought A Zoo {which by the way is such a refreshing well made and wrote movie}.
so anywho.
today is saturday.
i'm already bored.
toodles! <3

Friday, April 27, 2012

at this particular moment in time

i just got done practicing for my compass math test. it was pretty icky.
i'm wanting a yacht really badly.
and a type writer
and i'm probably going to get the NikonD3100.

i'm really wanting to go on a road trip.
i just ate chips with black beans, cheese and salsa on top. it was delish.
i want to go back to mexico and visit the places i used to live and the candy stores i went to.
i'm planning my b-day party an making a list of invites. 

so far it consists around 15 people. possibly 20.
i'm feeling completely unmotivated and lazy.
seriously...i'm so tired.
but i can sense today will be a good day.
i'm so incredibly glad for a dad who is willing to sacrifice anything to protect his family.

i'm thinking that pic above, that one right there ^ is one of the oddest i've taken.
but i like it.
and now i'm going to paint something in spanish. 

Thursday, April 26, 2012

to the rocks

after the rain let up and naps were taken, a tired crew of scraggly kids set off in search of adventure.
and thats exactly what they found. a few of them did almost die {no kidding} but many laughs were shared, teasing was had, jumping was a must and memories were made.
i'm looking foreward to more days like this.
*little hug, big kiss, little kiss, big hug*,

for any of you who are wondering, these pix were taken at an awesome place called Elephant Rocks in good ole' MO, if your ever in the area, you won't wanna miss this place, its amazing.