Monday, December 10, 2012

i have fatal thoughts of my own



 i promised something real today. actual words from yours truly. not just fantastic quotes that i love {tho i'll probably throw a few in anyway} and more of my pictures. so last night i sat myself down and a bunch of mumbo jumbo came out. this  morning afternoon i woke up and edited a few parts, added some, and now i think its ready for you dear readers. its all kinda random and long, but its from me, so i hope you take the time to read, if not just look at the pictures and enjoy the quotes. and i realize that this post could be more "put together", but rarely am i ever put together.
and so now, with a hesitating heart, i shall open up myself to all of you, and let you in.




sometimes i don't feel close to anything at all. sometimes i only want to know that i'll be close to you.
i think that if you saw me, if i saw you, if we just noticed each other.
something might click and it would all come together like a jigsaw puzzle, but with a few missing pieces. because i have this feeling that you won't be the first, and even tho it'd be nice if that wasn't so, i think it is. but i think you and me can find some new pieces and stick them in there and make it work.
i want to go somewhere where no one knows my name and just be an outsider, because then it'd be right. it would be expected. it would be better. way better than everyone knowing my name and me still being the outsider. because thats not so fun. i see you and i see him and her and them. and they all look so happy, they all sparkle and smile and laugh. they all get it. why can't you just get it? why don't i feel like you get it? can't you please stop by. and get it. get me. take your time, take it all. because there's a lot to get, and you won't be able to handle me all in one shot. but in time, if you keep at it, your heart will be strong enough. or once you start at it. you can do it. and i'll be happy to let you. i wish you could take me with you, i'd be a trinket on your key chain, if such a thing were even possible, just to be with you. all i know is i want to go. you'll like me once i'm relaxed. most people do. but most people don't see me relaxed. which is a shame. and thats why no one gets me. i feel clumsy and awkward when you're so light on your feet, i like how you took my hand that one time. it wasn't anything special. but it was nice. it was a good memory, one i'm glad to have. but it still can be sad.

"and whatever strange things may happen to you, let nothing turn your mind from following the signs"~C.S. Lewis


sometimes i forget how people are. i forget who they are and mean while, i start to doubt who i am. its the worst. but then i always prep talk myself out of all that nonsense. i remind myself who they are and what they mean to me. i remind myself how they are when i'm with them, who they are when i'm not. i remember that i love them a lot and they love me.
sometimes its just not nice to feel like you forget all that.

i don't like that feeling you get when you think you might be wrong. but your 95% sure you aren't. but still that 5% bugs you, so you end up just not saying anything. that happens to me a lot, even on here. and especially in real life.






"and here tonight when the stars are blacking out
when every hope and dream i've ever had is in doubt
i've spent ten years trying to sing these doubts away
but the water keeps on falling from my eyes"

i've been feeling weak lately. sometimes i feel like i don't take enough strong stands on things. on issues. important issues. i don't want to be a wishy-washy person or a people-pleaser. someone who just goes along with the crowd because thats easiest. to often i find myself in those categories.
so i'm making an announcement. well sort of anyway. its basically this. there are certain things that i feel very strongly about, i believe in, i disbelieve in, things i would die for, things i want to see changed, issues i wish would dissolve without further conflict. i am trying to stand by them. i am trying to find my way. i won't go into any of them, that'd take to long. but i sometimes need to remind myself about this so i won't feel so see through. so movable.



"you've taken me a way i can't resist"

every night i thank God for my life, for His love, for saving me, for making me whole again, for keeping me together when i try and rip myself apart. every night i ask for guidance and safety for the one i'm going to spend my life with here on this planet. every night i ask Him to save my friends, to open their hearts to Him, to become their Savior and Lord. and every morning i need to wake up, ready to storm the gates of hell, do you realize what that means? do you realize that we have the privilege and responsibility to literally snatch souls from going through those gates? its a scary thought really. but one i'm willing to accept. one i have accepted.



6 comments:

  1. I LOVED this. I love the openness and the introspection. This actually resonated with me quite deeply. I especially loved this partt "i want to go somewhere where no one knows my name and just be an outsider"...I often have this dream myself. It's a romanticized notion that I can't seem to shake sometimes. Thank you for such a beautiful post!

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  2. Oh dear. <3 "sometimes i forget how people are. i forget who they are and mean while, i start to doubt who i am. " <--This. Right there. And that whole paragraph. Oh goodness can I relate.

    Sometimes I think about how ive been and how ive chanegd throughout life and how i dont even know who I am half the time, im just exisiting and living and being without knowing what im doing. Some people have a strong sense of who they are and what defines them and what makes them special or set apart, but my fear is just being a passerby in life. One that people overlook. Because they don't get me, they don't know who I am either. But thats only if I think too hard.

    Thats the thing. Thinking too hard. Its hard to nooot think to hard, but sometimes the worst self fights or thoughts come when im thinking too hard. You know?

    If I can just let it go and accept the moments that come and go, the people that come and go, and not care who judges me, who likes me, who hates me, then life would be prettier. if I could focus on how to be a change in people, and help them, instead of how to change me and what im doing wrong, then it'd be so much better.

    And lastly, if i remembered that God is the only one who's opinion matter, then life would be viewed in the best way possible.

    Perspective is just so ahrd to get sometimes.

    Thank you for making me think, thank you for sharing your heart, thank you for your stunning pictures, thank you for your kind comments, and i love you too even though i don't know you and that might sound weird. But i really do think you can love people you've never met even for small reasons. I love this one guy who stands out in front of Macy's and holds the door open for people. I think its simple to love people, even if others think its weird.

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  3. Ah, Noni, you speak the same language I do. Every. Little. Bit. Thank you for this post. It reminded me that I am not alone. And please don't feel like you are. Remember, even those who are "laughing together" are not always happy, or sure of themselves. Sometimes, they know themselves the least. At least, that would be me...
    I'll be praying for you, my dear friend. And for the person who once held your hand, whoever they be... The person you wrote this for. Who knows that will mean. But I have seen God act in so many cool ways. Maybe he will just open up the right doors. Or maybe he will show you they are meant to be closed. But, either way, I will pray he will speak to you.

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  4. "i don't like that feeling you get when you think you might be wrong. but your 95% sure you aren't. but still that 5% bugs you, so you end up just not saying anything. that happens to me a lot, even on here. and especially in real life."

    That pretty much describes me... :P

    And I love the paragraph that begins with what you said about being an outsider. It's wonderful.

    This post is just gorgeous. <3
    I love you!
    xx

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  5. "i want to go somewhere where no one knows my name and just be an outsider, because then it'd be right. it would be expected. it would be better. way better than everyone knowing my name and me still being the outsider" <- that is so so me. I think that's why I love traveling so much, and cities and foreign countries. these words are so beautiful and raw and real. thank you! xx

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  6. That's really beautiful, challenging and thought provoking xxx

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