Wednesday, January 2, 2013

ordinary motion

i write words. i erase words. because sometimes i simply don't know how to express whats going on inside.
maybe thats because i'm not really sure what is going on inside. i feel chaotic. so i focus on what i know. but that doesn't always help, because i get tired of what i know. i crave knowledge, i crave friendship, i crave acceptance. i crave something dangerous, something new.
i crave safety, something  old.
after awhile i get bored with thinking. i just wish i could turn it off, so i sleep. a deep, dreamless sleep.
the sort of slumber i don't want to wake up from.

i take long walks, i stand on the bank and look up at the road and think, my, thats a long way off.
but soon, i'm standing on the road, looking down at the bank thinking my, thats a long way off.
and it hits me. thats how life is. one minute you're looking forwards wondering if you'll ever reach whatever is ahead in the future, whats it going to be like?
and the next minute, reality has taken the shape of the future and you're looking back wondering how you were ever so small. and the in between time is forgotten with the overwhelmingness of the present and past.

there are things i can't speak of. things i can't admit. there are people who concern me, people who intrigue me. but i can't really do anything about it.
it seems my only tool is prayer. its all i have to hold onto. i wish i could just come out in the open about things that i've done, things that have happened in the past 2 years.
right now i'm dreaming about being done with college in 2 years.
and maybe, possibly going to college elsewhere on an art scholarship, but its all just an idea right now. a far off possibility. something to pray about, consider. a maybe, a what if. but its a nice what if, not those heart wrenching ones.

i let the music take me farther and farther, doing nothing. just listening. just being still. just existing in the midst of noise. but sometimes it creates this sad monster inside of me.
sometimes turning off the music is necessary. because those people, are singing to someone. singing about someone, for someone.
and that isn't always the right medicine for a lonely soul.

so i focus, again on what i know. and this time it helps.



  1. I love this post...I feel like this so often. It's so easy to feel like the only one. I promise you're not. <3

  2. I could read this stuff all day. I have really liked these recent posts and how introspective they are. You are in touch with a very deep part of yourself and not many people have the ability to do that.

  3. So, so true. <3 every word. I love you, hunny. <3

  4. This is all so vague, but specific at the same time. I especially enjoyed the part about feeling like you're a long way away from the horizon. And then suddenly you look back and you're there.

    It's kind of a cool concept, kind of exhausting at times. Keep writing :) and praying.

  5. "there are things i can't speak of. things i can't admit. there are people who concern me, people who intrigue me. but i can't really do anything about it.
    it seems my only tool is prayer. "

    I feel you. I actually had that same kind of moment last night. I was up at 12:30 and everyone else in my household was sleeping and I was kinda lonely and thinking and thinking about how i keep thinking things will change, like major things you know? Like maybe ill meet a guy, and we'll do all sorts of fun things together. Or maybe I'll get a job and love it. Or I'll go off to college out of state instead 5 minutes from my house. I keep thinking something new and exciting will happen and it just doesn't and i feel stuck in this cycle of life. And im happy some of the time but other times im incredibly sad because of a lot of things that are happening that nobody really knows about and i cant really talk about so i try to ignore it but i can't always do that. And its just weird. Because some things change, but other things never do. And i keep thinking they will, that something big and different will happen when i reach another year or another age. But i'm not 100% positive anymore.

  6. I really, really like this post, especially the first two paragraphs. One moment I'm reading, the next moment I'm looking in a mirror.