maybe thats because i'm not really sure what is going on inside. i feel chaotic. so i focus on what i know. but that doesn't always help, because i get tired of what i know. i crave knowledge, i crave friendship, i crave acceptance. i crave something dangerous, something new.
i crave safety, something old.
after awhile i get bored with thinking. i just wish i could turn it off, so i sleep. a deep, dreamless sleep.
the sort of slumber i don't want to wake up from.
i take long walks, i stand on the bank and look up at the road and think, my, thats a long way off.
but soon, i'm standing on the road, looking down at the bank thinking my, thats a long way off.
and it hits me. thats how life is. one minute you're looking forwards wondering if you'll ever reach whatever is ahead in the future, whats it going to be like?
and the next minute, reality has taken the shape of the future and you're looking back wondering how you were ever so small. and the in between time is forgotten with the overwhelmingness of the present and past.
there are things i can't speak of. things i can't admit. there are people who concern me, people who intrigue me. but i can't really do anything about it.
it seems my only tool is prayer. its all i have to hold onto. i wish i could just come out in the open about things that i've done, things that have happened in the past 2 years.
right now i'm dreaming about being done with college in 2 years.
and maybe, possibly going to college elsewhere on an art scholarship, but its all just an idea right now. a far off possibility. something to pray about, consider. a maybe, a what if. but its a nice what if, not those heart wrenching ones.
i let the music take me farther and farther, doing nothing. just listening. just being still. just existing in the midst of noise. but sometimes it creates this sad monster inside of me.
sometimes turning off the music is necessary. because those people, are singing to someone. singing about someone, for someone.
and that isn't always the right medicine for a lonely soul.
so i focus, again on what i know. and this time it helps.