Unsure..

There is a battle going on right now..The battle of "keep the blog or ditch it?!" I can't make up my mind.  A lot of me wants to ditch it, cause blogging for me just hasn't seemed very natural. I'm never satisfied with what I end up saying, I feel like I might as well write an e-mail and send it to my beastie..I'd get more respons out of it that way..I know that for sure <3
But another part of me, really doesn't want to give up the blog.. Sometimes there's just something satisfying in getting words out there, even if they are just gonna go unread. 
Another thing that makes me want to throw this blog business out the window, is the fact that my mind, CAN'T function with background noise and talking! I have to be alone. I have to have silence. PLEASE DONT TALK TO ME. PLEASE DONT ASK FOR THE COMPUTER AT THIS MOMENT. I MIGHT KILL YOU! :)
But that is kinda impossible in this house...there's always *something* going on to distract me. Someone always asks for the computer. Tho politely . And I try to be polite back. Truly..I do =)

  Perhaps if I had a laptop of my own and was able to seclude myself in my cozy bedroom, fan on, window open, and sitting comfortably on my bed, then, just then, would my thoughts come clearly. I know that would work. Cos when I write in my journal, when the house is quiet, the door is closed and my Christmas lights are on, I write so clearly. It makes me feel..content, in a silly way. But I'm a poor child. Who can't afford a laptop. Or a decent camera, or a cello that I soo long for. But its ok. Don't feel sorry for me. I truly have enough "things" in my life. ;) I really AM blessed..but oh goodness..I'm praying hard for that cello!
In fact right now. I'm the only one in the room. moms in the back room talking (which is somewhat disturbing) but still. Its SO much easier for me to blog with nothing going on. Maybe thats just something I need to get over tho..
Of course, thats so not the only thing that makes blogging frustrating for me. Its also the fact that I never seem to have my photo's organized, or ready to be posted, and I can never find the time to blog, that is unless I simply ignore the things that I need to get done and just DO it. And personally. I hate doing that. I hate doing something I WANT to do, when there is still something to be done that I HAVE to do and DONT want to do.
For instance. I have to go clean the kitchen. Right now. But I dont wanna. So I'm putting it off. And blabbering away here. And I have this feeling of urgency. like. if I don't do those dishes RIGHT NOW. The world might crumble one me or something ridiculous like that.
Dads home! :) Oh..but  now I know I wont be able to think right cos there will be conversation flowing. Maybe I'll put in ear plugs and shut the door till I'm done :).
I don't in any way expect the whole world to stop functioning just to I can type furiously away trying to say things that I dont know how to say. But oh Good Lord help me get this over with,  cos another thing I might add. Is that I take WAY to much time to blog. Constantly re-reading, and editing makes me kinda dizzy :p

I *think* all I'm tying to say is. Right now. My thoughts are to muddled to get out clearly on a daily basis. And I'm really awful at finding the right times to blog. I'm not so good as doing it consistently, or uploading organizing and editing pictures when I should.
So I think I've made my mind up. I'm just going to take a break.  I dont know how long it will be. Maybe once I get myself and my blogging skillz organized, thought out and cleared. Maybe after my CA trip. Maybe never..who knows..I dont want to know, thats for sure.
 And you know the funniest thing about all this? I think this is the first post I'm truly satisfied with. Even after re-reading and re-reading and editing and clicking and dragging and backspacing . Bla!. oh, wouldn't you like to read the first draft, huh?