Normally when I sit down to blog, I don't particularly have a certain subject to write about, and thats really frustrating for me, so from now on, I will always have a subject.
This time I'de just like to share with you how God has been reconstructing me in the last year.
He is changing me from the inside out. I'm not sure many people can really tell, cos I'm kinda hard to read, being of the introverted nature, but in ways, I'm a new person.
A year ago I didn't give one single thought to whether my walk with God was right or not. Sure I thought it was, I mean, I was a Christian, I read my bible sometimes, and I prayed.. sometimes. But I never grew, I never applied the things He taught me, I just noticed them and moved on. I didn't care about the life I could be living with Him. As long as I was happy, had the things I wanted, and was around the people I liked, I was good.
Frankly, tho I never took the time to really meditate on things and truly realize it for some time, I was a miserable person. True I wasn't all bad, and I wasn't allowed to hang out with friends who would lead me down wrong paths, but I didn't really need friends to help me, I was perfectly capable to do it on my own. I wasn't really given any options to do anything bad, which was prolly God's doing, but my heart was still rotten either way. And when I was given an option, I seemed to fail.
I had recently gone through a week long Christian conference thingy at my sister's house in August of 10', and thats when God really started trying to get my attention. But I didn't stop and really listen till around January of 11'. There was a dramatic melt down from me (well dramatic for me anyway) and that was my starting point.
I didn't just suddenly say "ok God, I'm tired of being rotten, change me" and BAM, I was filled with Joy and longing for Him. Nope, I had a sloooow start. It was a hard and spiritually tiring. I gave up several times, and I can't tell you how many times I ran back to Him and begged forgiveness and a new start. I'm not a very diligent person, and it takes alot of hard work for me to become consistent and devoted to something. So I just asked Him to take it slow with me. I knew that if I just jumped into being all Christ like at a super sonic speed, it would just be another epic fail. I knew I had to take things slowly. So thats what I did. And that's what I am doing. Through the course of this summer I made A LOT of mistakes, some that I'm so ashamed of I like to pretend that they never happend. But then I always have to remember what He taught me from those mistakes, and in a way, I'm glad I made them. Because if I never had failed, I'de never have had to lean on Him. I've spent more time in prayer than I ever have in my whole life, I've actually read my bible somewhat consistently, though I must say, reading anything consistently had been a struggle lately.
I also started a new journal, to go along with the new lifestyle. I can't remember when, but I think it was in June. And so far, I've written through at least a fourth of the book. And its a big huge note book too. For me, writing is one of the only things that clears not only my mind and thoughts, but my heart. I don't just write for the sake of being able to record good memories. My writing means much more than that, for in alot of ways, my journal is a prayer book. Most of the words I write in there, I know are never read by anyone else but God. So in a way, I write for Him. And so far, in the past 6 months, writing has been the main consistent thing I've done, and its my way of staying close to Christ. When I get super busy, I don't write, when I get super busy, I seem to stray from Him. Not alot, but enough to feel icky inside. And thats a feeling I loath.
Another thing thats really helped me in the last 2 months is a certain person. I don't really know him, but at the same time I do. I got to know him through his music and blog. His name is Adam Young, and his band name is Owl City. He builds beautiful songs, and writes a really neat blog. And through his blog and music, he has encouraged me when I'm down, inspired me when I had no inspiration at all, and I'm sooo thankful for him. I know it sounds pretty silly and shallow to say those things, but its true.
His music makes me feel so happy, its like, if you could combine the sound of a rushing river, lazy creek, dry leaves, wind in the trees, and all those loverly nature sounds that I love to much, with elctro beats, you have Owl City. Its amazing, and no words could do justice to how much I have enjoyed listening to his newest CD and the one previous to it.
Then I found his blog. And I found out how cute, funny, and dorky he is. I also found what a devoted Christian he is, and how much he loves God and strives to give Him Glory in what he does.
I know I'm only one fan, amongst millions (literally) and I'm sure there are other fans out there who feel the same way I do. But I feel like I seriously understand him. And its nothing that unusual, its just that he takes the time to let people understand him, and thats the unusual part. I'm not going to let this turn into a "Thanks Adam, your the bomb!" kinda post, because all the glory goes to the Lord.
If it wasn't for Him, Adam wouldn't be the person he is today, and neither would I.
Granted I'm still in the reconstruction mode, I'm still weak, but every day I'm growing stronger in Christ. I'm learning to listen, and to wait on Him. I know I'm gonna fail, its just human nature, but I know He will always be there for me.
Every day I have to ask him to give me patience because I don't grow as fast as I would like, every day I have to lean on Him.
And as I become another year older in one week, I can't hardly wait to see what He has in store for me in the coming year.