On A String

(warning: do not read if spirits are high)

i hate long distance relationships. i hate getting attached to someone you never spend real time with.

but i am lonely and so i reach out to people who aren't near and it's painful for a lot of reasons.

i used to be ashamed of the fact that i've spent very little time with people my own age. i honestly don't even know how to act around Christians my age. now that i've been working somewhere for 2 months, i know how to act around people who cuss and talk about sex constantly. but how to act around godly young ones? it's a weird and rare experience when it does happen. and wonderful. i certainly know how to act around adults, i have so many great adults friends and i am so thankful for them. sometimes i feel guilty when i say i have no friends. because i'll always have that group of adults friends. i've always had adults friends. but it's very different, having adult friends vs. peers.

i keep waiting to find a real friend, someone who i see regularly. someone i can touch, smell, hear their laugh. someone real.

i keep waiting.

and waiting. and it gets really hard. it's really hard when you meet someone your age and you think, "maybe this one!".

and then you find out they don't really need you and aren't really interested in having any more friends, because like everyone else, they've got plenty of "good christian friends". i don't mean to sound like i'm throwing myself a pity party.

it's just how it is, and how it's been for a long time.

i actually thought i'd get used to it.

ha.

wow. i should go take a nap. see, this is me thinking. fantastic, huh?

xx-noni