i promised something real today. actual words from yours truly. not just fantastic quotes that i love {tho i'll probably throw a few in anyway} and more of my pictures. so last night i sa
t myself down and a bunch of mumbo jumbo came out. this
morning afternoon i woke up and edited a few parts, added some, and now i think its ready for you dear readers. its all kinda random and long, but its from me, so i hope you take the time to read, if not just look at the pictures and enjoy the quotes. and i realize that this post could be more "put together", but rarely am i ever put together.
and so now, with a hesitating heart, i shall open up myself to all of you, and let you in.
sometimes i don't feel close to anything at all. sometimes i only want to know that i'll be close to you.
i think that if you saw me, if i saw you, if we just noticed each other.
something might click and it would all come together like a jigsaw puzzle, but with a few missing pieces. because i have this feeling that you won't be the first, and even tho it'd be nice if that wasn't so, i think it is. but i think you and me can find some new pieces and stick them in there and make it work.
i want to go somewhere where no one knows my name and just be an outsider, because then it'd be right. it would be expected. it would be better. way better than everyone knowing my name and me still being the outsider. because thats not so fun. i see you and i see him and her and them. and they all look so happy, they all sparkle and smile and laugh. they all get it. why can't you just get it? why don't i feel like you get it? can't you please stop by. and get it. get me. take your time, take it all. because there's a lot to get, and you won't be able to handle me all in one shot. but in time, if you keep at it, your heart will be strong enough. or once you start at it. you can do it. and i'll be happy to let you. i wish you could take me with you, i'd be a trinket on your key chain, if such a thing were even possible, just to be with you. all i know is i want to go. you'll like me once i'm relaxed. most people do. but most people don't see me relaxed. which is a shame. and thats why no one gets me. i feel clumsy and awkward when you're so light on your feet, i like how you took my hand that one time. it wasn't anything special. but it was nice. it was a good memory, one i'm glad to have. but it still can be sad.
"and whatever strange things may happen to you, let nothing turn your mind from following the signs"~C.S. Lewis
sometimes i forget how people are. i forget who they are and mean while, i start to doubt who i am. its the worst. but then i always prep talk myself out of all that nonsense. i remind myself who they are and what they mean to me. i remind myself how they are when i'm with them, who they are when i'm not. i remember that i love them a lot and they love me.
sometimes its just not nice to feel like you forget all that.
i don't like that feeling you get when you think you might be wrong. but your 95% sure you aren't. but still that 5% bugs you, so you end up just not saying anything. that happens to me a lot, even on here. and especially in real life.
"and here tonight when the stars are blacking out
when every hope and dream i've ever had is in doubt
i've spent ten years trying to sing these doubts away
but the water keeps on falling from my eyes"
i've been feeling weak lately. sometimes i feel like i don't take enough strong stands on things. on issues. important issues. i don't want to be a wishy-washy person or a people-pleaser. someone who just goes along with the crowd because thats easiest. to often i find myself in those categories.
so i'm making an announcement. well sort of anyway. its basically this. there are certain things that i feel
very strongly about, i believe in, i disbelieve in, things i would die for, things i want to see changed, issues i wish would dissolve without further conflict. i am trying to stand by them. i am trying to find my way. i won't go into any of them, that'd take to long. but i sometimes need to remind myself about this so i won't feel so see through. so movable.
"you've taken me a way i can't resist"
every night i thank God for my life, for His love, for saving me, for making me whole again, for keeping me together when i try and rip myself apart. every night i ask for guidance and safety for the one i'm going to spend my life with here on this planet. every night i ask Him to save my friends, to open their hearts to Him, to become their Savior and Lord. and every morning i
need to wake up, ready to storm the gates of hell, do you realize what that means? do you realize that we have the privilege and
responsibility to literally snatch souls from going through those gates? its a scary thought really. but one i'm willing to accept. one i have accepted.
